25 Shameful Things to Admit in the Twin Cities

itemprop

Do you recognize this slide?

The Twin Cities are home to a lot of amazing things: a diverse community, great eateries, and the coldest winters known to humankind (well, they feel like the worst). While we've got a lot of great stuff going for us here, that means there are bound to be some hive-mind opinions that spread throughout the metro and have become the status quo on what's typical -- and atypical.

Here are 25 things you might be ashamed to admit to your fellow Twin Citians... but then again, you do you. Be prepared to take these "shameful" things with a big ol' grain of sidewalk salt or a healthy helping of side-eye, because we're getting silly here.

25. You frequently bike without a helmet or lights.

You think helmets and lights and safety gear are for kids, and you're a "grown person" that can weave in and out of traffic. (But you really shouldn't.) The rest of us -- pedestrians, drivers, and other cyclists -- are gonna struggle to see you even if you feel like you're guided by the moonlight. Yes, helmet hair is lame, and it's annoying to remember to get bike-light batteries, but it's the little things that can make a big (i.e. life or death) difference on the road.

24. You don't know how to use any kind of boat, bait a hook, or take a fish off the line. (And you've definitely never been ice fishing.)

Ew. Go fishing and end up picking scales out of your hair and scrubbing guts from under your fingernails days later? No thanks. Imagine doing that in the winter. On a frozen lake. In a tiny-ass shack. Doesn't matter how much beer you have, there's no way that's actually enjoyable. You're content to pick up your "fresh caught" walleye from the grocery store. Better yet, order it at your fave chi-chi eatery on a bed of wild rice and quinoa so you don't stink up your kitchen.

itemprop

Use your lights!

23. Underneath the snowbank in your front yard, there's about 10 pounds of dog poo.

You made the mistake of thinking, "No, of course I don't have to climb on that snow bank and grab my dog's number two. That shit'll melt away with the snow." (Note: Snow melts, poop doesn't, and your lazy, petrified shame is revealed.)

22. You spend more time Instagramming the Grain Belt sign than actually walking across the Hennepin Avenue bridge for any other reason.

You know exactly what time of day to Valencia looks better than Mayfair on your Insta pic of the Grain Belt sign, and how to get just the right angle so you can see it reflected in the water below. You can do it all without having to step foot on the bridge, and if you do find yourself halfway across, it's just to get a better angle with those wicked summer clouds and sunset behind that big old beer bottle cap. Extra points if you can work a good selfie into the shot.

21. You've never set foot inside the CC Club.

You've seen the outside of the CC -- it looks like a bad blast from the past that could do with an update. Nevermind that French Meadow bought out the place, you know it's just a bunch o' PBR-slinging hipsters playing pool and breaking jukeboxes in there. You were never really into cool Minneapolis institutions anyways. 

20. You think Jucy Lucys are overrated.

Why mess with a tried-and-true burger and put all the toppings in the middle? There's an art to the Jenga-like stacking of toppings in a hamburger: cheese, sauteed onions and mushrooms, lettuce, tomato, pickles -- the works. If you stuff it all inside the patty, how're you supposed to know you're getting exactly what you want? Plus, who wants to take food tips from the Commander in Chief?

19. You're one of those people that doesn't shovel the sidewalk in front of your place.

Ahh, the "someone else'll do it" mentality strikes again. Plus, it's cold out, you've gotta get to work, and your shovel is basically frozen to the side of your house beneath a deadly outcropping of icicles. At most you'll throw some salt on the sidewalk and scamper away, because no one really walks anywhere in the winter anyway, right?

18. You've been to Noodles and Company more times than you've been to Quang, Maya Cuisine, Fasika, or any other worldly local eateries.

You're one of those people that thinks Flamin' Hot Cheetos are actually made with the fires of hell, and your delicate palate can't handle all the flavor packed into these other restaurants. You're looking for the easy way to filling your belly, and you're willing to pay just as much (for pasta you honestly could've made at home) as it'd cost to get some authentic tastes from somewhere else in the world. That's fine, the rest of us will chow down on all the pho, tamales, and injera you're not eating.

17. You've never been to Wisconsin.

Clearly, Sunday beer runs are not on your weekend to-do list. What's Wisconsin got that Minnesota doesn't, anyway? We've got beer (Monday through Saturday), forests, cheese, and our fair share of Packers fans, so why bother crossing the border when you've got everything you need right here. Except for booze on Sundays, but that just gives you an excuse to hit up brunch for Bloody Marys (after 10 a.m. for now).

16. You've never gone skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, or sledding.

itemprop

Here fishy-fishy.

We all dislike winter to varying degrees (40 below, anyone?), but you hate it a little more. While the rest of us are trying to stave off the winter blues by strapping on our boots and taking to the tundra to battle it out mano a mano with a snowman, you're stuck inside with your steaming mug of cocoa and your aversion to the cold, white stuff. Sure, it's nice to snuggle up under the blankets on a cold winter night, but don't come crying to us when you're suddenly struck with cabin fever -- and it's only mid-December.

15. You secretly prefer Miller High Life and cheap tallboys to any of the new, local microbrews.

You like your beer watered down and ready to shotgun at any moment. Forget about the seemingly infinite number of breweries and taprooms popping up around town, you're good to go with a six-pack of the Champagne of Beers. Whatever, extra seats at the taprooms are prime real estate and we'll put your empty stool to good use as we guzzle some hoppy suds with our buds.

14. Your family has a cabin, but you haven't been in four years.

Ehh, the North Woods will always be there, and packing up all your stuff to spend three hours driving to the middle of nowhere isn't your idea of a relaxing summer weekend. Who needs to jump off that old rope swing and splash into the murky abyss of muskie territory? Why bother messing with the upkeep of winterizing your cabin and then having to clear out all the vermin that inevitably sneak in? Sometimes the idea of the cabin is better than the actual thing.

13. You don't own any flannel.

"What the hell is a lumbersexual?" What indeed. You don't have even a square of flannel in your closet, let along Red Wings or a Duluth Pack. No, it's hard enough for you to acknowledge how warm and comfortable flannel is, when you're trying to get as far away from Paul Bunyan's uniform as possible.

itemprop

How could something so cute be such a pain to clean up after?

12. You've never taken a weekend trip to Duluth.

Duluth is just so far. What else could you be doing with those two hours? (Catching up on your Netflix queue, that's what.) Who needs to visit that gem of a city on Lake Superior and check out the nature, aquarium, trains, Glensheen, or whatever it is that Duluth-dwellers do. You're content to stay in the big city without ever venturing north -- and god forbid you actually get all the way to Grand Portage to witness the rush of waterfalls on the Canadian border.

11. You miss seeing Twins games in the Metrodome.

Oh, Mall of America Field, née Metrodome, we hardly knew ye and that billowing roof, like an enduring whitehead on the outskirts of downtown Minneapolis. Finally, after a particularly ferocious winter storm, the dome popped, filling the stadium with actual tons of snow, which eventually rendered that white fabric fodder for souvenir bags after it was called the worst stadium in America. Nevermind the open roof of Target Field with its gorgeous view of the Minneapolis skyline, you've got a permanent home on your mantel for your jar of Metrodome detritus treasures

10. You're not into biking.

"Get a car, you hippie!" That's what goes through your head every time you have to scoot over in the lane a little bit when you see a cyclist while you're driving. In a state that's snowy most days of the year, who doesn't take advantage of the wonder of the horseless carriage? Weirdos who like things called Nice Ride and health, that's who.

9. You're a Packers fan in Vikings territory.

itemprop

#InstaGrainBeltSign

The purple and gold team have been on the rocks these past few years, and even their star player is at odds with the team, so why root for a group of dudes that aren't doing so hot? Green and gold is where the action's at. Plus, Aaron Rodgers: what a dreamboat.

8. Minnesota's prides itself on its high voter turnout, but you don't vote.

You were a registered voter once upon a time, but when pollin' season comes around, you're more likely to be just about anywhere else besides your local polls. This year's a shoo-in for so-and-so, what difference does your vote make? Minnesota's been a true blue state since forever, and this is a small non-presidential election anyways. What harm could one less measly little vote do anyway?

7. You've never been to First Avenue, and you don't even really like Prince.

First Avenue? Psssh. Purple Rain? Meh. Prince? Overrated. You're more of a big stadium person anyway, only willing to throw around your hard-earned dollars to drink a $10 beer and "WOO" at your favorite artist from a third-tier balcony instead of mix it up with smaller acts before they (maybe) strike it big. We won't even get you started on Bob Dylan or the Replacements.

6. You hate camping.

The great outdoors? More like you hate outdoors. Blood thirsty mosquitoes, sneaky spiders, unexpected rain, sleeping on the ground, unruly tents, wildlife going wild... what's to love about that? A nice warm bed, a bottle of wine, and some quality time with Netflix is where it's at.

itemprop

Here comes a regular (not you, though).

5. You've never dipped a toe in one of our lakes.

It seems like every year, there's another warning about how Minnesota's lakes are contaminated -- whether it's goose poo, cow refuse, or goodness knows what. That water has all spring to let winter's nastiness melt into the lake and all summer to heat it up to prime bacteria levels. Ain't no way someone in their right mind would willingly step into that cesspool. Speaking of pools, you'd prefer one of those over a lake any day.

4. You hate the summer humidity just as much as you hate everything about winter.

Yeah, we spend every single year griping about how damn cold and snowy and godawful the winter months are (and come to think of it, the fall and spring are full of moaning about the weather, too). We spend most of the year waiting for summer, and once it arrives, we're bathed in sweat thanks to the ridiculous humidity. Dry heat? Ha. When July rolls around, the scarf-bearing months seem like they'd be a boon compared to this swampy inferno.

3. 5, 35, 100, 169, 212, 394, and 494 are just random numbers.

You have no idea where you're going on the road and that nice lady on your navigation app is your best friend. Who needs to know major highways and freeways when someone is there to tell you to take a left in 300 yards and then keep right at the fork?

2. You think a Pronto Pup is a fast dog, and you've never eaten a bucket of Sweet Martha's Cookies.

Who needs food on a stick when a knife and fork'll do? The State Fair is a haven for high cholesterol, blocked arteries, and greasy hands. Plus, it's just a freakin' corn dog. Call it what it is.

Buckets of cookies are for fuzzy blue monsters and people who don't mind spending an hour of their precious time at the State Fair waiting in line near the Grandstand for a huge pail full of the warmest, moistest, gooiest chocolate chip cookies you've ever had while surrounded by thousands of strangers. And forget going to the dairy booth to get all the milk you can drink for $1 with those sweet thangs. Out of the question.

1. You're really more of a Duck-Duck-Goose person.

What the hell is a gray duck? It's a goose. The other 49 states can't be wrong about this. Clearly there's something in the water here in Minnesota. (And it isn't gray ducks.)


Sponsor Content